September 20, 2011

  • Sitting Here, Thinking....

     

    TALES FROM THE BRAT FARM

    I've been sitting here thinking about some of the differences in the way *I* was raised and they way my kids were.  I mean when it comes to feelings about family.  I've said before that my kids really lost out on that *family* connection because my family was in Chicago and they were born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  Oh, don't get excited about that and think how lucky they were.  It's not really a whole lot different than growing up most anywhere.  Just no snow. 

    If you have no family around (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...), it's really kind of sad.  Those times when you want to talk about a new crush and you aren't close to your sister or brother, where do you turn?  A friend?  What if that friend harbors a secret crush of their own on the same person?  That could be like helping set yourself up for a big fall.  Why?  Because a *friend* can become a total jerk in nothing flat if they want to undermine you in any way.  A cousin....or an aunt...uncle...grandparent....has no interest in doing anything of the sort.  Heck, most of the time, they don't even usually live in the same neighborhood.  You can share those kind of things with family. 

    Also, when you are a teen and maybe are not having a good day/evening with a parent for any reason, family can become an intermediary or even just a place to go so everyone can cool off, know what I mean?  For lack of alternatives, many friends have taken kids down the wrong roads simply because there's no alternative.  Not even the alternative of someone who's opinion just might be listened to instead of just reacting to it (like most kids react to anything their parents might have to say).

    Families have hugs, smiles, celebrations, picnics, weddings you can attend and have someone you like to hang out with.  They have sad events, too.  Deaths, divorces, accidents, failures of one sort or another.  They are a really great source of support no matter what happens.  My kids didn't have that.

    I don't think they truly understand what *family is forever* means other than the way it defines THEIR relationships to each other.  It was tough for me to finally give up on *the Golden Child* that was the oldest daughter and the Princess's mother.  I think I was actually the last one to do so because she was my CHILD.  I loved her.  I wanted desperately to believe in her, to help her.  But she stole from me, from US ALL.  Money I could have and should have been able to spend on myself or the other kids went to pay for bail, lawyers, she even used the Princess as a way to get money out of me.  I suspected but chose to be blind many times but I finally...FINALLY....knew that I had gone beyond any reasonable point and was in danger of losing all my other children to that blind spot a mother can have when she won't wake up and smell the coffee.  The Golden Child was lost to the power of drugs and there would be no redemption.  At least not with me enabling her to continue on MY DIME, so-to-speak. 

    I'm not sure if it was as difficult for my children to give up on her.  Oh, I know that Buttmunch misses her at times but she remembers, too, how she would be embarrassed by her also.  And how she stole from her, too.  Buttmunch was no angel but she did grow up eventually and she stopped doing drugs.  Just an occasional joint.  Ditto Mustachio.  Marcus Aurelius never got into drugs, thankfully.  He had lots of bad examples all around him between many of the kids in the neighborhood and the worst one, his sister.  I guess that's why I wasn't surprised that they thought nothing of moving all over the place when they got the chance.  Out of Florida and to places like NC, TN and KY.  They had done a lot of traveling around the country with us while they were growing up so they knew there really WAS life outside of Florida but I was surprised they wanted to live in places that had snow.    But then, *I* was the one that hated snow, not them. 

    So, when I get upset with them and try to remind them that I am just as fierce about defending THEM as I am pissed off when they start squabbling because we are FAMILY, I really and truly don't know how profound that point is for them.  I have a feeling it means so much more to me.  It's sad.  Even worse, I don't think they even feel strongly about ME.  Perhaps it is because they know I love THEM.  Hell, I love ALL my family fiercely.  With all their warts and boils, strengths and weaknesses but I may even be alone in that.  I don't know.  I can forgive them for damn near anything.  Let me think......no, I can forgive them for anything.  I might take a day or two for some things but......anything.  But I don't think it's the same for my family about me.  I've lived apart from them for too long for me to be sure of anything.   Sad thoughts for someone drawing near to the end of her lifetime.  We all like to think we will be missed and remembered but it may not be true.    And how sad is that?  I guess that is why we need God.  Because if we are good enough and try hard enough, surely HE will remember us, love us, forgive us and not forget us.

    Maybe that is truly what really matters.

    Love you all.  Hope you have a wonderful rest of the week.