April 13, 2010

  • More Frustrations and Some Interesting Thoughts


    TALES FROM THE BRAT FARM

    The Beast woke up, bright and early, and got dressed because he was anxious to be *off*.  Where was he going?  Guess.  You got it....out to look at more ATV's that people are offering for sale.  Once he gets an idea into his mind, he can't let go.  He's like a dog, worrying a bone until he's got it where he wants it.

    Was I pissed?  Yes.  Partly because he woke ME up but more because he SAID he had *lots of time* to look for all this *stuff* he wanted.  I almost wrote *needed* but that would have been untrue.  I told him he's never taken up a hobby that didn't prove to be expensive as hell.  I also let him know that I was wise to the fact that he just couldn't wait and really shop for an ATV.  If he wanted it, he wanted it NOW.  So much for *having lots of time* to do this all.  I was VERY sarcastic.   He took the truck and the dog and I know, as sure as I am sitting here, that he will not be happy until he finds what he wants and can get it NOW!  I will let you know later (after he gets home) what he bought.  I know he will have something.
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    I suppose that is why I was hit very hard with something that was brought up...just as an aside....on a program I happened to have on just for noise.  It came out of some writer's typewriter but it was an epiphany to me.    They were talking about how some people are so peaceful about dying and others seem angry or determined to hold on with every fiber of their being.  One of the people involved said, *I think that those that have had happy lives are not afraid to embrace death when it comes.  It's just an end to a happy phase of their time on earth and they are ready for the next adventure. (I"m kind of paraphrasing here).  The ones that have had unhappy or unfulfilled lives don't want to let go because they feel that life or whatever god they believe in has failed them in some way.  They want to have some happiness or fulfillment in THIS life because they aren't sure there IS anything else. *

    It dawned on me that *I* am not ready to embrace death and a lot of it has to do with the fact that my life has NOT been a happy one in so many ways.  I had a crazy and abusive mother as a kid.  I wasn't alone; she abused all of us kids.  Equal opportunity, I guess you would say but she saved a lot of her anger for me especially.  When Mom got well and we started talking to her about that time, she was horrified and didn't believe it at first.  At least we knew she was not in her right mind at that time and could forgive her.  Then I had an abusive husband who, to this day, still sees nothing wrong that he did.  I know his father was physically abusive to him and to his mother but it's no excuse.  He  was and still is extremely selfish and self-centered. His ability to abuse me physically has been impaired for many years now but he still will try controlling me.  It no longer works as it did when I was young but I am still feeling like I have to give up things *I* might want or it becomes a pissing contest and no one wins. 

    I have a daughter lost to drugs and I am certain I will have to bury her before I ever die.  I have nightmares about that from time-to-time.  I had dreams that have been lost; even dreams of traveling some places in the world that we could have at one time.  But, I guess, somewhere in my heart, I have a section that is hurt and bitter.  I've kept it closed off but it squeezes out every once in a while.  There were only two times that my life was truly happy.  The first time was when I worked in real estate and it allowed us to buy our first home.  We had to do a lot of remodeling, cleaning, painting and installing new carpeting but it was a true pleasure.  Best of all, I did it with the money I earned.

    I also went to work for an advertising agency after we moved back to Florida.  It enabled me to work my way into copy writing for clients.  I wrote radio and TV commercials, booklets and newspaper ads.  I loved every minute of it.  I quit only because some kid with no experience, credentials or history was hired and was paid more than I was.  I had become the most productive writer on staff but....I was a female and the new hire was a male.  Yes, I worked for a dyed-in-the-wool chauvinist.  It broke my heart but I couldn't allow that kind of abuse in the workplace, too. 

    I wanted a man that loved ME and would have wanted to see some of my dreams come true.  Instead I got one that could have cared less.  He thought nothing of using his fists on me or throwing things at me.  I was in the hospital more than I cared to admit.  All were disappointments that I shrugged and accepted.   I did give a little prayer of thanks for the Beast's strokes, as awful as that sounds, because it put an end to the physical abuse.  No, his abuse is much more subtle now (as in these power plays which there is no way to stop...YET!)  The world as it IS; not the world as I would have liked it. 

    It's the reason I am determined to outlive the Beast.  I will NOT let him win.  And he would win if I died before he did.  I'm not ready to share any more right now so this will have to do.  Sorry but how much of yourself can you reveal to yourself AND the world?

    Well, here it is in all it's glory.  The Beast's purchase.  A 2007 Arctic Cat 650 something or other:
                                    

    His is black and has the added winch just in case you get into trouble or to help drag the deer up to the Cat so it can be loaded onto the back of it.  It's capable of holding 200 lbs. or a bit more on the back end.  He hasn't bought the outfit yet but he is collecting the camouflage he thinks he should have.   'Nuff said.
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    He spent pretty much the rest of the day doing things like changing the oil and filter, pressure washing it (surprise!  It was packed with mud.  ) and then he had to wax it.  It's going to be an obsession with him for a while.  I've seen this behavior before.  It just never ends with him.
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    I picked up Chewlee from school and one of the first things she told me was she was hungry.  I figured she probably didn't eat much at lunch.  I've seen her do that at times.   She told me she wanted chicken soup (which means chicken noodle soup in Chewlee speak).  I guess she really was hungry because she ate the whole can of it AND drank a lot of the juice, too.  She was so engrossed with watching Dora and then Go, Diego, Go while she was eating that I thought she might just be there when her mother came to get her.  But, she was finally ready to get out.  I rewarded her with a *popsicle* which she was eating the second half of it when her mother got there.

    I had just told her mother how good she was (and she really was great) when she pooped in her pants and got incredibly upset about it.  It was a bit on the runny side and she just HATES that when it happens (I can't blame her there) but, since she had been good all day long at school AND at my house, it just upset her no end.  I ended up having to carry her to the car (after giving her two orange slice candy pieces) and her mother kept laughing and yelling at me for spoiling her rotten.  I told her I had done the same thing to her when she was little and she retorted, *Yeah, and look how *I* turned out!*   At that remark, we all laughed.

    Well, this is a good place to end this missive.  Love you all.  Hope you have a good day...at least one less stressful than MINE was with the self-serving Beast and his sidekick (the dog).