It was bound to happen. The Beast just hates NOT to be in charge of himself, at the very least. He discovered it wasn't possible when he had his first stroke and tried to *escape* the first time. He was lucky he didn't injure himself and that it didn't take the nurses all that long to discover him where he had fallen on the bed after managing to get to his feet. His idea was that he could take those few steps to the locker, get himself dressed then get down to the lobby (somehow) and call a cab.

What he discovered was that getting to his feet was the easy part. Taking that first step was a big mistake and he luckily was close enough to the bed to fall backwards onto it. Then he lay there for maybe 10 minutes or so and realized that it was NOT going to be easy for him to just go home and *get over* what had happened to him. He hated every minute of it. So, his trying to free himself from the constraints of the brace is no surprise to me.

His idea is that if he soaks it in the tub a couple times a day (with no brace on) and *airs* it out for a while, he will somehow get it to heal faster. I got so angry with him today that I couldn't even humor him because I know just where his mind is and I told him so. I told him to *stop trying to outguess the doctors and be your own physician.* I also told him that it's less than a week since he broke it and he's already taking chances with those bones slipping so that he WILL need surgery and he WILL be in a cast for 6 weeks or longer. I was really ready to spit nails and so mad that I slammed the door on him (he was sitting on the deck with his naked hand on a pillow atop the table there).

He has been very good since then including not asking me to *get him this or that* like he's an invalid. I am still keeping half an eye on him but I figure he doesn't deserve being treated special if he's going to be so careless. I wouldn't let him go hungry or anything but I'm sure not going to scratch his back for him or rub it either. I want him to know I am seriously pissed at him. He keeps trying to make conversation with me and I am replying in grunts mostly. I'll see how he is tomorrow before I may relent a bit.

I asked him if he had called his brother to tell him about the test results and he told me he hadn't. When I asked him why not, he said because I have nothing to tell him really. I said he told his brother about the blood in his urine and the clots, he should tell him the reason for it AND that he was having surgery. He just looked at me. I told him, did you want ME to tell him? He got angry and said he would do it this weekend when his brother wasn't working. Since his brother usually works weekends, that is a poor excuse as far a *I* am concerned.

I haven't told my kids yet about what is going on mainly because I wanted to be calm, have a real handle on how he was feeling and reacting. I am just glad he isn't bleeding...well, not visibly anyway. He just had that reaction for a few hours after the exam yesterday. I will call my kids tomorrow and I already know he's going to react badly to that. He just really doesn't understand the part that family plays in sickness AND in health. It isn't just him and me, it involves everyone that knows and loves him. He may not always be lovable but who is? His kids love him and they have become very concerned about us since it suddenly occurred to them that we were growing old.

We have one son that has even taken insurance out (through his job) that will pay for long-term care for us in the event that we need it. I suppose it's better than having to take care of us themselves. I wouldn't want that either but I hope I can continue on my own until I die peacefully in my sleep. I hope the same for the Beast, too.

I happened to mention that if they were going to do the surgery internally....if you get my drift....that I was glad they would be keeping him for a day or two afterwards just because of the bathroom issue. He laughed and said HE was glad about that too since he didn't think I would be able to lift him if he couldn't make it to the john. He's right there. I hope he gets through this all easily for both our sakes.

It's bad enough that Baron really is at a loss why his MAN isn't taking him out for his daily runs. He's so high energy that I have been making him run around the yard using the hose as an exercise tool (he's the target). He does seem to enjoy it and will often get close enough for me to hit him with it. When he starts laying down on the lawn with his tongue hanging out, I put the hose up after filling the big water bowl I keep out by his doghouse.

The Beast has just gone to bed. He saw Mark Phelps win another gold medal and break another world record so he's happy. I checked to make sure he was covered well and had his pillow to rest his hand on. I guess I will close for now and get myself ready for bed too. I am very tired since all this has happened and I am not sleeping well. If he moans or groans in his sleep, I rouse to make sure he's actually okay. It means I don't sleep as deeply as I should for as long as I need I guess.

Love you all. Goodnight for now and have a great weekend.

Well, today we saw the urologist. I should say I drove the Beast to the urologist and he did his *thing* on the Beast (which he is still complaining about every time he tries to pee). It IS a tumor in the bladder against the back wall and it is about the size of a quarter.

He has to take a ct scan of the abdominal area tomorrow, with contrast, so we had stuff to pick up for him to drink tomorrow (half at 10am, the other half when we get to the hospital). The IV contrast will be administered to him after the first one is run. He also has to take some pills for any possible bacterial infections, just in case. The pre-operative testing will be done on the 25th and his surgery will take place at 7:30am on the 28th.

So the question mark is now gone.and an exclamation point has replaced it. We know we are dealing with a tumor and we just have to wait until after the surgery to find out if it is cancerous or not. I have started praying that it is NOT, please join me in that effort.

We did find out that they will be *freezing* the Beast from the waist down (why they would want him conscious, I have no clue) and the surgery will be done via that precious pathway he protects but can't in this instance. I have no idea how long the surgery will take because everything depends on whether or not they have to take part of the prostate.

When we got home, the Beast was exhausted. I think primarily it was because of pain. He felt weak and wanted to lay down but he was hungry. I gave him a few choices of things I could prepare fast for him (knowing he felt weak and queasy) but he wanted his good old standby...chicken noodle soup. Campbell's, of course!

I buttered him some bread and handed him the crackers after I heated it up and then poured him his half glass of milk. I knew he would sleep better on a full stomach so I also made sure he was feeling full before I pulled off his socks for him and he could go lay down. The little Beast (Baron) accompanied him. I really think the dog actually has a clue that his *leader* is not feeling well. He's been very gentle most of the time with him and very careful not to lay on him on the bed. He usually likes to half lay on the Beast's legs when he's allowed on the bed. Since the last pillow incident, that has only been when the Beast takes his naps. I will drag his sorry ass off the bed when I get ready and make him go into his kennel. Even though I do that, he still wants to lay down next to me when I am on the loveseat or if *I* take a nap. He also can distinguish who sleeps where (as my blog on his dragging the Beast's pillow into the kennel when he was angry with him determined). I suppose you could say it's our individual smells but it WAS the Beast's pillow he put into the kennel and not mine.

Other than our conversation in the car on our way home, we haven't discussed a whole lot about what he is feeling. At the moment, all I know is that I feel like I need a tranquilizer as well as my pain pill but I don't think it would mix well. I am very torn about how *I* feel other than worry and concern. I want HIM to talk to ME and tell me what HE is feeling so we can really discuss it. However, after 44 years of marriage and knowing him for 48 years, I know that he will put me off because we don't *know* if there is a reason for concern.

I am grateful, however, that he is resigned to the stay in the hospital. He was always resistant to ANY stay until he was forced into it by his strokes. He has always been a bit reluctant to go to the doctors about any problem he had because that fear of having to stay was always in the back of his mind. What makes this different, I am not sure. But I am grateful for it as long as he doesn't expect me to stay there all day long with him. I know he will worry (and so will I, believe it or not) about Baron. It IS like having a child in the house when you have an animal. He is still a little kid, so-to-speak. I am, however, going to make sure he has the laptop, several magazines and anything else I can think of to entertain himself if he isn't sleeping.

Well, I have to go to Wal-Mart and pick up a prescription for him and a few other items while I am there. Love you all and thank you for your prayers. Please continue praying that the tumor ends up being non-cancerous. That will be a huge blessing.

Love you all. Live well, love deeply and dance like no one is watching. Enjoy each day like it might be the last one you have or the last one someone you love may have. Don't go to bed angry at ANYONE. Life is too short.

Well, it happened. The Beast actually thought today was Thursday and he had his appointment with the urologist. He woke me up from a nap to ask what time he had to be there and I had to tell him it was only Wednesday. Since he wasn't the one that took the garbage out to the end of the driveway yesterday, he didn't make the connection. But I could see some of his anxiety over it just wash away. You could actually see him relax. I knew he was worried but didn't know how tense he was until I saw that.

We had a really great rain yesterday. It wasn't the hard rain that washes away as fast as it comes down. It was a nice, steady and gentle rain that allowed the ground and the plants to absorb the water. We really did need it. Today our morning started out overcast and we lost our satellite a couple times. I thought we might get more rain but the sun is now out and shining brightly. The temperature is 81 but feels good after the cool night we had. It was 60 degrees when I went to bed at 11 pm. It was still nice and cool this morning when we got up (around 6am) but the dog sure loved it. He hates the REALLY cold weather and he will refuse to go out in the rain or if there is the lightest amount of snow on the ground. But mild cool weather invigorates him. He really wanted to go for a run yesterday but the rain kept him in the garage. I was out in it but he wouldn't follow me for any reason. I thought that was funny. Especially since I knew he really wanted to pee. He plopped himself down in the garage and nothing would budge him. As soon as I headed for the door back into the house, he was right there and eager to go inside. It was a couple hours before the rain was gentle enough and he was desperate enough before he got brave. He ran down the back stairs, stopped to lift his leg less than five feet away and then ran back up to come in.

What's even funnier is he jumped up on the bed with the Beast (who has been napping a lot since the demerol and then he took ONE pain pill last night when his hand started throbbing). The Beast wasn't down for long but Baron stayed on the bed. I had a comforter that wasn't folded up (I had used it to cover myself for an earlier nap) at the foot of the bed. The Beast went into the bedroom to get a clean hanky and had to come and get me. Baron had pulled the comforter over himself and was laying there, completely covered up to his neck. I just cracked up when I saw it and had to share that. He slept under that for probably another 20 minutes or so. I guess his little time out in the rain had chilled him.

This morning, while the Beast and I were having our coffee, I said something to him about not removing his hand brace and he got this strange look on his face. Because of it, I continued. Since I had gone through the same thing last year in August (strange but it just occurred to me that this happened to him at almost the same time), I know that the brace can become uncomfortable. So, I said...*No matter how tempting it is, you have to keep that brace on. You are lucky that you have it because it means you can take it off, shower and put it back on. If you don't and those bones move because you *think* you are better, it will mean the doctor will have to do either surgery or put you in a cast. Then you won't be able to shower and will be stuck having to take a bath every day.*

I know the Beast. I know that in two weeks time, if they say the wrist is doing well, he WILL be taking it off and using that hand for god knows what activity. I know he thinks he will not injure it but I know he will because he always overdoes anything he does. I think he will end up in a cast, no matter what and will probably, like I had to have, have surgery to put pins in that wrist to keep the bones in place. I tried to tell him that, if he was good about it, he might be able to keep from having a cast on his wrist. Now, because of THAT LOOK, I am going to be nervous and have to keep a close eye on him.

Tomorrow the urologist and hopefully we will find out if the Beast is going to require chemotherapy or surgery. We are both nervous about what might be found.

Love you all. Be good, and I will *see* you tomorrow. I hope we find out what is going on but we may have to wait. I'm really not sure.

Today we went to see the orthopedic doctor, Dr. Kendra, who took care of my broken wrist last year and did the surgery I had to have on it. We didn't have a long wait, thankfully. The Beast does not do waiting very well except to avoid going to the Emergency Room, as we all know.

I have to tell you that I know the programs being used by hospitals and affiliated physicians is amazing just by what my son has told me and some of what I have seen on television. But today I got to see the results when the doctor, from his office, could access the hospital records and even the x-rays taken of the Beast. His determination was that all was fine for now. Because of the open wounds on the Beast's arm, he was not going to put it in a cast. The wound is covered with what they call *liquid skin* which has replaced many bandages and stitches. It's amazing stuff.

I was told to clip off the edges when they start to roll up but to otherwise leave it as long as possible. It helps in the healing process. Unlike a cast, the splint is removable so the Beast can shower as usual and just has to *pat* the area dry or leave it air dry before replacing the splint. He has to go back to the hospital in two weeks to have the wrist x-rayed again to make sure there hasn't been any movement of the bones in the wrist, especially the ones that are fractured. If that is fine, the doctor will probably cast the wrist for another four weeks. He believes the Beast should be healed in six weeks.

If the bones have moved, he will have to consider resetting them or else he will have to place pins in the wrist to keep the bones in place. Everything depends on how good the Beast is about keeping the splint on once the pain has diminished. That is when he may cause any damage that could be done. Knowing the Beast, I will have to keep a close eye on him. That *macho* thing with men. *rolling eyes*

Anyway, it could have been worse. Now we just have to wait to see what happens on Thursday when they take a look at the inside of his bladder to look for the cause of the bleeding.

The Beast has started talking about our plans to go to Chicago again. I guess that's normal since we do not *know* anything yet. We actually talked about the fact that he might not be able to drive but it didn't sit well with him. I know I found it difficult to drive for quite a while. His comment was....*we'll have to see about that* which in macho-speak means he will NOT allow me to do all the driving. *sigh*

It's been raining all afternoon here. Not a hard, driving rain but a nice, consistent light rain that we desperately needed. It helped the Beast feel less guilty about all the napping he's been doing. A dreary, overcast and rainy day makes you feel like taking a snooze anyway. He's still trying to throw off the effects of the massive dose of demerol they gave him at the hospital yesterday. He was also given a pain medication for when and if he needs it but he's determined NOT to take it. I'm happy about that because it's the same medication I am on so I will have some to spare for our trip if he doesn't use it.

The Beast is at his computer right now so he is definitely feeling better. His urine is not dark with blood any more and he hasn't thrown a clot for almost 24 hours. At least I have less to worry about until we get the results of the test on Thursday.

I may not make another entry until then so bear with me. My life is not all that exciting most days. Love you all and keep praying for us. Pray that whatever they find in the Beast is treatable. Live well, love deeply and dance like no one is watching.

After taking a couple extra strength aspirin, the Beast did manage to finally get some sleep last night, unlike me. I wasn't able to lay down and attempt sleep until he was snoring deeply and loudly around 3am. I think I slept fairly soundly until about six am when the dog tried his best to get let out of his kennel. I knew he didn't have to go outside to do any business so he finally settled down again. I slept fitfully after that and finally dragged my butt out of bed around 8:45 feeling like I had sand in my eyes.

The Beast had gotten up and even put on his own robe and managed to make the coffee. I had it all set up so it was just a matter of pouring the water into the receptacle and waiting 3 minutes. It's a Bunn, so it's quick. He poured himself a cup and was sitting on the love seat with the dog curled up next to him. I staggered into the kitchen, poured myself a cup of coffee, grabbed my cigarettes and sat down on the opposite side of the Beast. As I lit up my first cigarette of the day and tried to pry my eyes open, I checked out the gauze pad that covered his boo-boo and discovered he had bled a lot during the night. I just shook my head and saw the Beast look at me with a sheepish look while he said, *What? What?*

He knew what I was thinking.

We went outside a few minutes later to drink our coffee on the rear deck while it was nice and cool...well, temperate. It was probably about 70-72 degrees but we love to watch the hummingbirds feed and our little brown wren bringing food for her babies. She managed to make a nest in one of our Topsy Turvy planters despite our best efforts to discourage her. Yes, it explains why that particular tomato plant has not done well but what can you do? It's tough to defeat mother nature at times so you just roll with the punches.

I had to carry out the cushions for the chairs out there and then go get the Beast a pillow for his arm. I looked at the swelling and told him, *Ya know, if the swelling gets any worse, they won't be able to cast it until that swelling goes down and it won't be fun for you. My suggestion is that you hold that arm up over your head and let some of the fluid drain out of it before I take you to the ER because, babe, you ARE going today. You have at the very least a broken wrist.*

He didn't say much but did give it a try, resting it on top of his head. That didn't last long but it convinced him it was time to give in. So, as I sat there, fully dressed and ready, he went in to attempt to dress himself after splashing some water on his face and combing his hair. I ended up having to button his pants, close his belt for him and help him on with his socks and shirt. But we did finally leave at around 10am after securing the dog in the back yard. He had a generous bowl of ice water to tide him over until we got home. He has his own dog house under the deck so I wasn't worried about him getting overheated if it got hot out while we were gone.

It was nice that the ER was not busy when we got there around 10:20 or so. The roads were busy and a lot of trucks were busy making their runs to wherever.....

He was taken in almost immediately. His longest wait was for his x-rays of both his chest area (which was very bruised but nothing was broken) and his wrist. After that, it was wait for the x-rays to be read and then a decision on what kind of brace to put on the wrist until we saw the orthopedic surgeon. That appointment is set up for tomorrow morning at 10am. The doctor will have seen the x-rays by then and we will find out if he will be able to set the two broken bones or if surgery to have pins put in place will need to be scheduled.

They DID shoot him full of demarol at some point so he was feeling NO pain on the ride home and, in fact, fell asleep. I had to wake him up to get him into the house, undressed and into bed where he slept for almost five hours before waking up because he had a full bladder and was hungry. Unfortunately, the demarol made him nauseous so he got only a few bites down and had to go lay down until that passed but he did finish eating the cereal I had made him.

While he was taking his long *nap* to make up for the sleep he lost last night, I also took about a 2 hour nap on the love seat. It helped but wasn't the good rest I really need. I will be going to bed shortly. The demarol has pretty much worn off now for the Beast so I put out a pain pill for him to take before he goes to bed. I am hoping it knocks his ass out and lets ME get some good sleep tonight. We both could have had better days if he had let me take him to the ER last evening. Water over the dam now.

The saga will continue tomorrow but at least it is making time go a lot faster before the Beast has to see the urologist on Thursday to see what is going on in THAT area.

Love you all. I am tired but remember what I say about telling those you love that you do. Time and life waits for no one.

It's not like our life isn't *exciting* enough at the moment but the Beast did something I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO a couple months ago. But what do I know? I'm just a weakling woman from his point of view. It all stems from when I tried to exercise Baron on his extendable leash a couple months ago. The damn dog is so used to running hither, thither and yon with the Beast on his scooter that when I tried to get him to run *with* me, it was impossible. He darn near pulled my arm off and pulled me off of MY smaller scooter and I was smart enough to let go of the handle of the leash so prevented me from being hurt badly. As it was, he damn near pulled my arm out of the joint, I swear.

Well, the Beast thought it was funny and poo-poo'd what had happened. Today he found out for himself, he of so little smarts.

You know what the dog has done in the past when the Beast has gone off without him. He really and truly expects to go with him everywhere he goes. Well, today, the Beast had to go to Tara's to pick up her motorcycle so he could check it out and see why it's not running right. It's just a little 250 but fairly new and shouldn't be doing this. We think her ex- might have something to do with it but we could be wrong. We won't know until the Beast checks it out. He's good at that since we have owned so many during our lifetimes.

Anyway, I had taken Baron out into the backyard when the Beast left and played with him for a while to take his mind off the Beast being gone and give him some exercise. When we came into the house, the dog checked for the Beast and seemed resigned to the fact that he was gone. The worst I expected was that he might pull the same thing and drag the Beast's pillow into the kennel again. I should have known better.

Now, I was watching the Olympics and talking to my sister online at the same time about what we were seeing. We do that a lot. I waited until a commercial to go check on the dog who usually goes and lays on the couch until the Beast returns from his infrequent journeys without Baron accompanying him. Well, the dog was NOT on the couch so I headed towards my bedroom and what do I see but a mountain of fluff spread all over the floor of my bedroom in front of the dog's kennel....it gets worse!

The dog knew when he saw my face and heard me yelling his name that he was caught (like he thought I wouldn't notice?) and with his head and tail down, he just got into his kennel and laid down. His eyes darted anywhere but at me while I grabbed up the stuffing and showed it to him and slammed the door to the kennel closed.

We had only given the dog his own pillow and blanket a few days ago. It was an effort to keep him off the bed because a 100 lb dog just takes up too much room. He would start off at the bottom of the bed and end up between us and with us shoved over to the edges of the bed. Worse, somehow, he would end up with most of our covers UNDER him and not available to us.

When the Beast insisted Baron was *ready* (the dog has a history of chewing up and disemboweling pillows), I told him that if it didn't work out, HE (the Beast) would have to clean up the mess because I was not convinced and was NOT going to do it again. I have gathered up feathers, for crying out loud. But, thankfully, the dog didn't find feathers to his liking. He likes the other stuff much better. Makes a more satisfying mess, I guess. So I dutifully selected an old blanket and really wrapped up the pillow in it so it was literally buried in this cover. The dog found it very satisfying and spent a good five minutes plumping it and pushing it around to get it perfect the first night he was given it and made to get OFF the damn bed several times. He was finally resigned to it and settled down.

So, when I found the pillow disemboweled and the filling just piled all over the place (I can't believe how much is really stuffed into a regular sized pillow), I was really pissed off. Then, after locking Baron into his kennel, I go out into my kitchen and what do I find? His dog dish yanked OFF his stand, the water all over and the (thankfully empty food dish) on the floor. Even the nonskid pad from under the dish is on the floor so there is no doubt in my mind that this was a part of his *tantrum*. So I waited, patiently, for the Beast to come home. I touched nothing. I was prepared to do battle with this asshole who tries to ignore the fact that our dog is trying to rule our lives and it is partially because *I* am the one doing the disciplining of him and the Beast is not.

So, after a rather stinging round of chat with the Beast when he returned, I left him to his own devices and went into my computer room to watch the Olympics and chat with my sister. I heard him let the dog out of the kennel finally and knew he was going to take him outside for some exercise and companionship. What I did not know or hear was his putting the dog's leash on him.

Out he goes and I hear the scooter start up and know he's going to take the dog for a run. I didn't give it a second thought until suddenly I get a *beep-beep* on my Nextel and I just KNOW it's him. So I grab my phone and say, *Yes, dear?* (Notice I still called him *dear*) and I hear....*....come get me* His voice is weak sounding and I could tell he was in pain. I also knew he was on his scooter so I had a horrible vision of some kind of accident. My next question was *Where are you?* No answer so I rush out the door, jump into the truck (to get the scooter if I can also when I find him) and still no answer although I know he can't be far. I go around the circle here, knowing he has to be here somewhere and I see the scooter and what I, at first, thought was him. I relaxed for a second and then thought..*Now wait a minute....he didn't have on a sleeveless black shirt...who the hell IS that?*

As I pulled up next to the man, it turns out it is one of our neighbors, on the scooter and he yells out to me, *My wife is driving him home...I'll bring the scooter home for you.* I thanked him and said I would meet him back at my house and turn the corner and there is his son, walking Baron ON BARON'S BLUE LEASH and I KNEW right then what had happened. I stopped to see if the son wanted to put the dog in the truck but he said it was fine, he would walk him to the house. I thanked HIM and gunned the truck towards the house. I had no clue how badly the Beast was hurt at this point but I needed to know.

The wife was getting ready to pull out of the driveway when I pulled in but she stopped to let me know that, as far as she could tell, it was only his arm and that he had probably had the wind knocked out of him because he went flying when Baron pulled him OFF THE SCOOTER while they were going down the road. She said he was pale and feeling a little nauseous but was more concerned about washing the blood off his arm. I thanked her and she said I was to call her for anything...even to just accompany me to the ER if that is where we had to go. I was so grateful but prayed I wouldn't need to do that. Her hubby looked over the damage to the scooter (mostly cosmetic, thankfully but will probably be expensive) and made the same offer about assistance. Nice people my neighbors and I will have to think of something nice to do for them to show my gratitude.

Needless-to-say, I wasn't surprised to find the Beast on the bed, no arm cleaned and pale as a ghost. I looked at the arm and immediately got two washrags. One with cold water, the other with warm, soapy water. I immediately wiped his forehead, face and neck off with the cold one and proceeded to attempt to clean up the wounded arm. I wanted to take him to the ER just because of his not being able to easily move the arm and he definitely couldn't rotate it at all. I suspect he does have a broken bone but I am not big enough to drag his ass to the ER so I have taken this tactic....I will let him *be a man* until he is in so much pain that he MUST go to the ER. And I think that time will be soon.

I did put some triple antibiotic on the road burn + area and lightly bandaged it with gauze pads. I made him keep that elevated on a pillow. He seemed better after about an hour or so but.....he just came out begging for an ace bandage for his wrist area. I also checked out his rib cage and he has a huge bruise developing in the area he was complaining about earlier and, when I touched it, he flinched. I don't think I will be getting much sleep. *sigh* I am sure the ER is in our future.

Pray for me. Love you all.

As the title says, yesterday the Beast opened up a discussion with me about the real possibility of his having to undergo chemotherapy. He did not like the idea that he might become as bald as his younger brother but knew HIS hair would grow back in once chemotherapy was over. He said to me, *I might actually enjoy it if it means I don't have to shave for a while*.

He's heard about the sickness that most people experience with chemotherapy but has chosen to ignore that since he doesn't know yet for sure if that is in his future. It just means he has given it thought and that makes me feel better. He has finally reached acceptance.

IF and WHEN we find out if he actually has cancer or a cancerous tumor, I know our discussions will be more detailed and, possibly, there will be anger or sadness to deal with then. We will also have some things to do, too, in case he does not make it through. Things we have put off because there was no real need to hurry. I know all about both health and life insurance matters when it comes to the Beast. We have one account left that needs to be changed over to the Family Trust but that is all. Then it will mean he has to fill out his individual wishes for his *things*. I have already done that in my will but he has not. Thankfully, the will is part of the trust and we can hand write in those things. It also makes it easy to change those items, too.

The Beast has talked about cutting off our older daughter from the Family Trust due to her lifestyle. It would be a waste of money because she would only buy drugs and probably kill herself if she doesn't do it before we are both gone. Our daughter, Buttmunch, is the executor of the trust once the Beast and I are gone. She already knows our wishes and will also know who gets what, as far as personal items go. I have some nice jewelry and she even knows who gets what in that way. I have it designated in my will and only need to update a couple items. I trust her to be fair and stick to the way we want things shared. I do not think she will cheat her siblings or the grandkids.

We still have to go down to our bank and get ourselves a safety deposit box for all the Family Trust papers, our wills, copies of our insurance, etc. and make sure that Buttmunch knows where we keep the key. Our bank already has a copy of the Family Trust (we had to do that to put our CD's into the name of the Trust. We also have to record the Trust here in Alabama (it was recorded in Florida and, although our houses and land are in the name of the Trust and we had to provide copies here), it has NOT been officially recorded here our attorney tells us. I just hate all this shit that you have to think of when you are in a position like we are. Like we don't have enough to worry us.

The Beast just took Baron out for his daily run. He took the electric bike instead of the scooter because he's afraid he might feel weak. Besides, he said, he really wanted it to be a leisurely run. The dog will run hither, thither and yon and run back to run beside him so he still gets lots of exercise. I got worried after they had been gone over 20 minutes but went outside to find the Beast was throwing the dog's ball to him out front.

We haven't been eating at *normal* times this past week but we ARE still eating three meals a day and a snack, too. I have been trying to keep our day *balanced* as far as food choices go. Tonight we are eating Chinese....not because of the Olympics but because I have all the ingredients here for making chicken chow mein. It's quick and easy and very filling. I keep trying to keep him interested in food because I have noticed his appetite is down. He is just not eating as well as he should be.

Well, I need to go start dinner for us to eat in an hour or so. Love you all. Live well, love deeply and dance like no one is watching. Greet your friends and family with a kiss and a hug. Tell them you love them often. Life is shorter than you think.

The Beast will eventually start talking about all the things on his mind about what may be happening with his body. Now that he knows it is NOT a kidney stone or calcium deposit in his kidneys, he is trying to think of something else that it could possibly be other than a tumor or cancer. Unfortunately, today he started throwing clots again.

He called me into his computer room (our guest room, actually) and says to me....*What if I threw a large stone and because of my stroke, it might have been on the left kidney and it hasn't recovered so I don't feel the pain?*

I just looked at him and said, *Honey, if you threw a stone that caused that much damage that you have been bleeding for four days now and still throwing clots, it would have caused damage to either the kidney or the urethra. That would have shown up in the sonogram.*

He just looked at me and realized that I was more than likely right. I am not sure exactly why but the doctor is pretty sure that the Beast is going to be found to have a tumor in his bladder. He was not happy with the thought and, of course, neither are we.

I don't know what the Beast is thinking. He knows that, if a tumor is found, he is looking at chemotherapy at the very least. The idea scares him. My sister-in-law went into the hospital because of feeling weak and tired. Her blood count was seriously low and they wanted to do some tests on her. She was found to have a rare form of leukemia and her twin sister was going to donate bone marrow to her except she never got strong enough for it to happen. She underwent chemotherapy in the meantime and whatever else they do for leukemia but she never got to go home again. She died in the hospital before anything could really be done for her. She was a sweet, wonderful person that my brother married late in his life but she was perfect for him. We all adored her. It was the saddest time in my life to see her die and how devastated it left my brother. Except for now. I am very sad at the thought that my Beast may have cancer of another sort and I will have to share his suffering with him like I did his rehabilitation from his strokes.

It's a scary place to be in life. I have no idea how my kids may feel about it because we haven't really been able to share our thoughts. We are still hanging in a limbo of sorts. Until we know definitely what the Beast HAS, we can't really vent our thoughts and feelings. We just share our fears.

Of course, you try to keep your spirits up and not dwell on the possibilities because they are endless. I stopped checking out all the possibilities on Web MD because it was just too sad. He asked ME to check them out and just send him the links and I didn't send him the worst of the links. I know the Beast and it would paralyze him. I cannot do that to him. He and I share a lot of history and love and fights and memories that are stronger than fear, I hope. But I fear that he will have pain ahead of him. I fear the idea of him going through chemotherapy because of what it does to your body. It harms as much as it helps. I'm not totally convinced that it is worth it and even that thought scares me. The decisions ahead have to be his and I will have to abide by them, whatever they are or however I might object. It's hell to be where we are at right now.

I would like to be in denial myself. I know the Beast is doing all the things he usually does because what else can he do. He is outside, riding on his John Deere, mowing our land and the dog is running along side him. Its what is normal . It is what is needed. It keeps him from thinking too much.

I am glad he has no pain right now. I hope it continues. I hope with all my heart that his fate is to die peacefully in his own bed, here at home, when God wills it. I am trying to continue our lives like we lived it before all this started. I am making the plans that we had as part of our future like nothing bad is going to happen. I am trying to accept the fact that it may not work out like we want it to but acting like it will. I am trying hard to act normal and not be too solicitous or worried that he can recognize. I am hoping I am a better actress than I feel at the moment because I am very scared for him. Very, very scared of what he might have in his future. Pray for us. Pray for him because I will make it through whatever God decrees.

I love you all. Live well, love deeply and dance like no one is watching. You never know what life has in store for you so be kind to each other. Tell those you love that you do as often as possible. Forgive trespasses and petty things that people may do. Life is too short. Love conquers all.

I accompanied the Beast to the doctor's today despite his trying to discourage me. I told him that I was just as concerned as HE was about what the doctor had to say and I was going with him...period.

We got there and didn't have long to wait. The nurse asked him for urine sample before we were shown into an office where we sat for a bit before the doctor came in. They wanted to check out how much blood was still in his urine and they also had run a blood count yesterday to see if he was in any danger of becoming anemic or possibly need a blood transfusion. Despite the color, which is alarming, they said he was not in any danger yet. I just love that word...YET. Really makes you feel confident, doesn't it? NOT!!! The only plus is that the Beast is not throwing (or should I say *peeing*) any more clots.

The sonogram was negative for any stones or calcium *deposits* in it. I gather sometimes a kind of shell may form in the kidneys that is worse than stones but the Beast did not have either. He does have a couple small cysts but they are not part of the problem and are not unusual, he said.

The next step is the urologist, who is going to take a look inside the bladder for a tumor. The Beast grimaced at the idea of a fiberoptic camera being threaded up his penis and into his bladder but he knows he has no choice at this point. He seems rather resigned to what lays ahead for him/us.

This is NOT what we hoped for at all. The only good thing is that his blood pressure seems to be climbing back into what is a normal range for him so perhaps the bleeding is stopping. I sincerely hope so but I will not let the Beast let this slide if the blood stops showing up in his urine. That would be very much like him. If it's not causing him any noticeable problem, he will want to ignore the original concerns. This will NOT happen. I won't let him let it slide.

At this point, I am VERY concerned. I know that they don't do corrective surgery on bladders. It's not a normal thing to remove a tumor in or on a bladder without creating OTHER problems that are not fun to consider. I'm not sure if they do chemotherapy for bladder tumors or perhaps radioactive injections to reduce them like they do in the prostate. I am sure this is all information we will be given if and when it becomes necessary.

In the meantime, please keep the Beast in your prayers. I think he may need them even more now.

Love you all. Live life like today is the last day you may have. Like I've said before, you just never know.... Be sure to tell those you love that you do, even if it's the last phrase in your phone conversation. It's easier than you think to end it with *I love you* or just *Love ya!* Try it. It spreads when you use it all the time. Watch, listen and see for yourself.

I don't usually do things like this but I am horribly worried about the Beast. The blood in his urine continues and we are not talking about just a little. Think about how often and the volume of fluid released in older men (and he IS an old fart) and the urine is definitely deeply colored with blood. He is also still passing clots albeit smaller. This only started yesterday but he saw the doctor and went in for a sonogram at the hospital today. It was for his kidneys to see if there was a stone or stones in there causing all this.

After checking out the symptoms on WebMD and Google, we are praying that THIS is what they find because if it isn't, the prognosis is not good at all. It will probably be cancer and that scares the shit out of me. He is terrified and keeps thinking about what choices he will/would make in that case. I keep telling him to take it one day at a time instead of doing the *worst case scenarios* in his mind. That way is not good.

The Beast has suffered from high blood pressure now for about 15 years. His has suddenly plunged and that is also not a good sign. I think the doctor probably tried to talk the Beast into going into the hospital (but since the Beast did not want me to go with him, I am not sure) but the Beast refused to do that. A lowered blood pressure like his is usually a good sign of internal bleeding, which we know he has just from his urine. I am spending a great deal of my time checking on him and making sure he is taking in lots of liquids so he is not losing volume. It is, however, worrying since the more he drinks, the more he pees. **insert sad and worried face here** It is truly a self-defeating round robin.

The Beast, as usual, had his joke when the doctor took his blood pressure and it was so low (for him but is my usual pressure). He said to the doctor, *Of course, it's down....I think I'm a quart low, Doc*

When the girl was giving him his sonogram, he had a joke for her, too. He said to her, *I used to dream of a girl giving me a nice back rub but didn't think I would get it with vaseline and attached to a machine. And I certainly didn't think it was my KIDNEYS she would be interested in.* Even *I* had to laugh at that.

He really gets pissed off though at how he is treated now that he's gotten to looking so old. His hair is pure white when he doesn't use his Grecian Formula on it (and he hasn't for months now) and then there are all the wrinkles. He said she had to give him step-by-step directions into the room. It was *Now just come down here to this door and then you turn right and the table will be directly to your left...* He said he was surprised from the tone of her voice that she didn't just take his hand to make sure he didn't get lost in the 15 or 20 feet he had to walk.

He's been doing a lot of sleeping, too. More naps than normal and not doing any chores at all. He has always been on the hyperactive side with a need to keep busy. It's almost like he's been afraid that if he stops moving, he will stop entirely. So that also bothers me.

I have been his best friend for years now and he always talks about everything with me. I don't care if its just something hew he's learned or heard or seen on TV. He has to tell me about it. He isn't really interested in what *I* might think about it most of the time, but he has to tell me. He's become very reticent now. That's how I know that he's very worried about what is going on inside his body. I can't blame him, I am very worried, too.

Oh, I've made jokes about feeding him wild mushroom soup from time-to-time but he's been a good companion in recent years and I would miss him terribly if something happened to him. I have always said I was going to outlive him if it killed me but it was halfway a joke. I knew that I probably would outlive him just because statistics say I will.

The doctor suspects cancer due to the fact that the Beast is not having any pain. That is usually the way in the early stages. I have never wanted him to suffer and suffer he would if he has cancer. It may take a while but the pain will be there and I do not want him to suffer. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And men do not suffer real pain well. I can't even imagine what it would be like if he was suffering pain like that. It was bad enough with the pain he suffered trying to get over the paralysis of his strokes. That was agony for him and I suffered right along with him on that.

This is different. And we are so up in the air over it right now. I will let everyone know what the doctor has to say tomorrow. I am going with the Beast even if he doesn't want me to (he will lie to me, I know or only give me half truths) because I want the doctor to get him into the hospital over the blood loss alone. If it persists through tomorrow, I think the loss of volume alone is scary.

Love you all. Pray for the Beast.