March 27, 2010

• Abused Women And Anger Issues…Thoughts

  
  TALES FROM THE BRAT FARM

  I was watching a History special on the 7 Deadly Sins and how they came to be called such.  They are not listed in the bible as such but were actually compiled by a priest that had been exiled to a monastery for his lustful actions with a married woman. 

  While in exile, he gave much thought to the things that actually lead people to break the 10 Commandments (himself included) and he compiled a list of these things.  Many years later it was considered by the Pope and given credence by decree.  Other religions have adopted the same sort of list (and ways they are punishable). 

  What I found interesting about this was the fact that Anger was considered the worst of all the sins because there is no way to tell how or who would end up being the focus of anger.  In the world at large, they say this is how wars come about.  Someone’s anger focuses on some man, nation or religion and war results.

  But, it has lead to a lot of abuse, both verbal and physical in nations all over the world.  The worst part of anger is that sometimes the target is not the real source of the anger.  That is how spousal and child abuse has grown and is now a real major problem is every nation.  Some nations it’s more widely known than others (such as the United States, Canada, South America and a few other *civilized* nations).  It has probably been going on much longer than known because of tracking of such things in the past 75 years or so.  Less than that in nations ( like the USA) where women were considered chattel for so many years and have only achieved recognition as separate human beings in the past 50 years.  Even that was little-by-little.

  I grew up in a Catholic household.  That changed later but that’s another story.  The nitty gritty is that there were certain things drilled into me both at home and in school.  Marriage is a sacrament that was established by God.  Marriage is for *better or worse*.  Let’s just stick with that much.  I truly believed that with all my heart.  How could I not ?  It had been such a part of my life that the idea of a divorce was truly abhorrent.  It was failure to live up to what God wanted.  It meant a separation from God and any hope of Heaven or happiness.  It was failure.

  So, when the Beast (much younger at the time and frustrated with other aspects of his life he couldn’t control) began being abusive, I tried to understand and make life more pleasant for him.  Keep the kids from being noisy or bothering him when he got home from a hard day at work.  Keep the house nice and clean and neat.  I stopped asking him to discipline the kids because he became brutal and cruel at times.  I often became the target of his unfocused anger because I would step in to protect the kids.  He stopped being verbal and became physical. 

  I called the police.  I had him jailed.  I bailed him out to my shame.  I left him several times and even filed for divorce once.  We were within 30 days of a divorce becoming final when we reconciled.  Shameful, isn’t it?  I can’t believe I actually put my kids through all that turmoil.  It’s my biggest regret.

  Of course, since he’s had his strokes, he’s a different person.  He’s not physical (although partly because he knows I wouldn’t hesitate at this point to get rid of him).  He still can blow up at times but it’s because of his physical limitations these days.  THAT frustrates him to no end at times.  It no longer bothers me because I know it’s not directed anywhere else but at himself.

  Some people would say he’s now an old person trying to get into heaven (my favorite Bill Cosby quote).  I suppose that’s partly true.  He’s felt his own mortality.  There have been plenty of people who have pointed out to him that other women would have left him long ago to face those strokes and the rehab on his own.  He knows it’s true.

  I suppose the bad part about me these days is the loss of love for him due to what he put me through.  I mean that kind of love that makes you cherish a person.  Color that gone.  I care about him.  I worry about him and his health.  I will miss him somewhat when he dies.  But I won’t be devastated like I once would have been back in the days when I thought he loved me.  But to know he never loved me in the same way I loved him was a rough road to travel.  He couldn’t have and treated me or our kids the way he did.  He might never have been capable of that and I feel sorry for him about that.

  I also feel sorry for me that I have never been loved like that.  I will never even look for another man once the Beast is gone.  First of all, I am too old for that.  I have other *loves* in my life…my kids, my grandkids and my great-granddaughter.  Second of all, I have been fooled once before in a big way.  I would not only NOT trust my own judgment any longer but I could never entrust another man with my emotional well-being.  I know it’s partly my age.  If I had been braver when I was younger and realized how much damage this was doing to my kids, I might have figured I could find a man that would truly love me. 

  But, at this stage of the game, I don’t need a man to validate my life or to help support me.  That’s a lousy reason to bring a man into your life anyway.  Better to do without and live within even a tight budget than to do that to two people (yourself and someone else).  Although I believe everyone deserves to find love, I don’t find it necessary now.  I have the love of my family and my children, etc.  My great-granddaughter makes me feel so loved and useful still that she brings me joy even when she’s being naughty.

  But, I know many abused women don’t know about all the help available to them.  There are special shelters in every major city.  Yes, it’s scary and can be lonely.  But for heaven’s sake…don’t wait!  I know now that I could have ended up dead.  Sure, the Beast would have been in prison for it but I would rather be alive, wouldn’t you? 

  Don’t put up with broken teeth (thankfully mine were false so it just meant repairs), black and blue marks, black eyes, swollen face and broken ribs.  You do NOT DESERVE ANY OF THAT.  His anger is not directed where it has actually been inflamed.  It has just been focused on you and all his verbal abuse is just to put the onus on YOU and not himself, where it belongs.  STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM AND TO YOURSELF.  GET THE HELL AWAY, NO MATTER WHAT!

  Not everyone is as lucky as I am that things turned out the way they did.  Let me tell you about something that happened to the Beast after his stroke.  A stroke is a silent, painless thing.  He just *felt a little dizzy* and decided he needed some fresh air.  He collapsed on the stairs in the theater (he was there with our daughter and granddaughter) because he couldn’t stand up.  His left side was paralyzed.  They called 911 and he was talking when they loaded him in the ambulance.  I spoke to him before they took him to the hospital so I knew it was bad but not as bad as it could have been.  If it had been a left brain stroke, his speech would have been affected.

  He really had no idea what happened to him and, we found out later, he wasn’t really aware of anything even though he was talking to us.  When he woke up (and was truly aware) in Intensive Care, he looked around and thought, *Ut oh!  What the hell am I doing here?*  He had a nurse there taking his blood pressure and he asked her why he was there.  This was her reply: 

  *You’re here because God is punishing you for all the bad things you’ve done in your life!*    I know!  I couldn’t imagine a nurse actually saying that but……later on, when I wanted to thank her for that little jibe, there was no nurse that matched that description that was on duty at the time.

  I often think that it might have been an angel giving the Beast a warning.  He thinks he hallucinated her or something.  Maybe the medication?…..  I prefer MY explanation, TYVM. 

  My life is not unhappy now.  The Beast is tamed and, perhaps, even grateful that I stuck with him.  I feel I certainly lived up to my end of the marriage vows in many ways.  I will be with him to the end but, like I said, there are no happy endings for most abused women.  Get help.  I will pray for you all.  I love you and know your pain.  I still revisit my own from time-to-time.  I guess because he has never acknowledge a single regret for HIS actions.  And most abusers never truly will. 

  Love you all.  Have a wonderful day.  Reach out and touch someone today. 

  • 12:02 am
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